Am I a bad person? No. I understand this in the deepest areas of my heart, my soul, my being. But all it takes is one look, comment, email, anything and the bipolar wheels start spinning and all I can think is how horrid I am. Why? Why do I think this way? I have never broken a law, harmed anyone intentionally, and always try and be there for people. However those are not qualities that matter in this job, nor seem to be relevant. All that seems to matter is who is on top, and how they can dismantle your self-esteem within moments.
I came here almost two years ago, on cloud nine, thinking I had found a place. The place my nomad being could rest for a spell, find belief in myself again, and embrace each day as it came. What an idiot I was/am. I will set the stage for the latest crazy-maker who I am starting to think enjoys making my life a living hell.
I was home, long after my day was done in this goddamn place, and out of the blue I received two emails, back to back, from her demanding to know if I was taking sick time for doctors’ appointments she has been made aware of far in advance. They were not kind. They were not out of concern. It was simply more micro-micro-managing that she does so well. Maybe I should have ignored them, but the policy here is that we are on email ALL THE FUCKING TIME. So I replied, that yes, of course (I really wanted to say “duh”) that I was using sick time for the appointments and if she took the time to look at my calendar she would see that I block them off in a certain way to remind myself at the end of the month what hours I have had to miss work for these things.
She does not understand. She does not “get” why I would need to see numerous doctors. Or perhaps she just doesn’t give a shit and is only looking for ways to poke at me. But I do need these appointments. I am in great physical pain daily from the fusion in my neck. I am in mental anguish repeatedly, caused in part by her but also circumstances in my personal life that I am not allowed to discuss here (at work). Yesterday was incredibly taxing for me, and the last thing I needed were the emails that only spoke to my inefficiency or time away from work. Do I wish for these ailments? No. And I wouldn’t wish them on my greatest enemy, even her. But damn, when I saw those emails, my blood pressure went through the roof and if I had not been at home, but rather here, with the rage that was boiling in my blood, I do not know what I would have done.
I do not know if I would have had a job. I wanted to hit her. I am not a violent person, but when you poke the bear enough times, eventually it will strike back. And the bear came out in me. My partner got the brunt of it, but he was good about it, and tried to help me clear the red rage that filled my entire being. But coming into work today was horrid. Would I have a job? Would they fire me for using sick time? What other demons are lurking that I don’t know about and cause the anxiety in my being to escalate to horrendous proportions? All these thoughts going around and around on the merry-go-round in my head, all at once and getting faster and faster with every rotation.
I could not sleep. I woke up with my neck screaming. My heart racing. I have to do a presentation today and I don’t even give a damn about it. And then I have to work 10-12 hours for the rest of the week. Everyday. But I will not mention this. As the rebuttal will be how many hours she works, and how great she is, blah, blah, blah. Yes, let us all bow down to you, blessed virgin.
I am exhausted, because every time I think I succeed at something, she is there to tear it down. She and so many like her in what has become an industry I no longer understand. I wonder, some days, most days, are there any good ones left? Or have they all sipped the kool-aid and are now just clawing at one another to get higher on the ladder and kicking at those below them.
I do not know. I just know that I will go insane if I stay much longer. It is hard, as I do not know my compass yet. But in 7 weeks, which I will circle on my calendar, I will tell them. And knowing that, even if I do not know what the future holds, is the one ace up my sleeve. I just want to be able to walk out of here with my head held high and not get fired for seeing a doctor before then.
I wish I had a crystal ball. I know I have spoken of this before. I just wish I knew when life was going to get better, and how to change the mad thoughts in my head that tell me I am a worthless piece of shit because of the way I am dismissed here. Either dismissed or taken to task. And I am far too old for either.
I just want to find my center again. Some serenity. I don’t need much. I enjoy the simple things in life. But when others start kicking you down, how do you find the will to get up, one more time? How do you ignore what they tell you and believe in yourself again, when you have no one to tell you that, other than the reflection in the mirror. Most days, I do not like what I see when I stare into it, but I know it has more to do with these outside influences rather than what is inside of me. Who I am and want to become.
I just need to get through today. Maybe it will be better than my fears when I awoke at 4 AM. Maybe tomorrow a lifeline will be thrown in my direction. I need to believe that there are better days coming, but this morning it is hard to believe in anything but how disappointed I am – in myself, as well as all these people here…
© Sorrow & Kindness
Sorrow & Kindness 