It was not the glorious Father's Day one hopes for their significant others. Far from it. Rather than being feted and adored by his child, he had to go into full dad mode and quite impressively do some serious parenting. Summer vacation is just around the corner, and his son has gotten a huge case … Continue reading A House Divided
We circle one another, throwing daggers Some days I catch them by the blade, cutting my hands on the sharp edges I throw them back, smearing the blood on my face like war paint. Other days, I let them hit me simply to feel something other Than the cold look in your eyes. I have … Continue reading Battle Lines
It's a simple question really...one in which the answer should come easily. But it eludes you and the more you ponder it, the more you contemplate it, the harder the answer becomes to find. Like searching for a pearl in the ocean, or nugget of gold in a stream bed. How do you know when … Continue reading How do you know?
It has been a week of too much family drama. Not only my partner's (we'll get to that in a minute) but now my own blood. I just received an email from a sibling saying my father has totally gone around the bend. He was finally diagnosed with dementia a few months ago, but will … Continue reading Running on Empty and Wanting to Run
It's been a week. Last weekend we were at my parents with my siblings. This weekend my partner's mother and son (both of whom I love) are here. But the power dynamics are driving me insane - though I am highly aware that I'm already there, for multiple reasons - my brain chemistry being at … Continue reading Basket Case(s)
The days and nights seems endless and at the same time too fast. I stare at the dark walls or slips of light that filter through the edge of the blinds in the bedroom during the nocturnal hours as I listen to my partner sleep, knowing I won't for hours, as my head spins with … Continue reading Rapid Cycling (and not on my bicycle)
Has anything changed? Has life gotten better? Is this simply a slow death march of bipolar madness that is creeping up on me by the day and causing more and more chaos in my life? The short answer to these questions is: 1. Nothing has changed; 2. Life is no better (probably worse); and 3. … Continue reading The Point?
Yesterday I became mute. Exhausted from the constant battles in my brain and with others, I simply decided to once again become the voiceless, agreeable persona I was when I lived in my parent's house. When my father controlled our lives with his schedule and moods, as we all danced around delicately as to not … Continue reading Mute
I am once again reading Marya Hornbacher's Madnes: A Bipolar Life. At times I feel this is my one saving grace - this book and the way she so eloquently writes about her battle with the disease. I find myself, these days, caught up in the torrent of bipolar madness, and I feel as if I … Continue reading Madness
I was taught as a child not to use the word "hate". It was too strong a word, my parents said (as a reminder, my father was a minister, thus the ban on it). I obeyed, as I always did, until I was an adult and the nuclear bomb of bipolar exploded in my head. … Continue reading Hatred