Irrantionality

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day. It began in the predawn hours when I got a missive from someone at work taking issue with something I had posted on our FaceBook page. I did not think it offensive, and if my supervisor (or her’s), felt it was they could have told me, or taken it down themselves. It was not a political post – for our industry I attempt to stay away from those. The beef was it came from the site “I fucking love science”, which everyone I know agrees is a great site and pretty credible. This person and I are on different sides of the political spectrum, and though I know it was the language that upset him, I was furious. He didn’t come to me in person (his office is next to mine), nor did he express it in an email. He put a comment on the page for all the world to see. Although everyone else in our FB universe loved the post, I took it down. I wasn’t willing to deal with the bullshit.

And then the roller coaster began it’s horrid downward descent. My partner called, minutes before I had to go to a meeting that was highly important. The next two weeks of my work life are packed with obligations, meetings, things that will keep me at my job for hours on end. I am not looking forward to it. And this week has been very taxing on my brain, emotions, energy. Thus, when he called, saying he had “just checked” an email from his ex (which she probably sent days ago, but he is loathe to check that account as he doesn’t wish to deal with her BS), that she was taking his son all next week. So he was full of vim and vigor and insisting that he could be here as soon as tomorrow, for a week. That would be great, if it was any other week. It would have been wonderful to brainstorm about it when he brought it up, but I simply did not have time. And then he hung up on me, because I was not as enthused as he. I could not concentrate on his agenda, while trying to juggle what I have coming up. And even if he came, he would see me very little, as I will be working most of the time. Then when I come home, he will want to “do things”. My brain is not even capable of comprehending what this would do to my world.

But I do want to see him – I simply needed time to digest what he had told me. He, obviously from the slam of the phone in my ear and being ignored for the rest of the day, did not feel the same way. He wanted an answer immediately. I could not give him one. Hell, if he said we were going to Hawaii or the Caribbean, I could have gotten excited. But instead, I would be moving into a “hostess” mode, and as much as I know he would ground me, I simply cannot think beyond what is waiting for me at work. He does not understand. He cannot fathom the pressure I am under or the boredom I find myself in everyday. The frustration of nothing getting better and pieces of my life eroding slowly with every moment at my job, or when he and I get in bitter fights. And how taxing this on me, with my mental state – which totally got fucked up after that – and my anxiety which was through the roof the rest of the day.

Finally, after being ignored all day, I called him in the evening. He was icy. He didn’t care. The conversation was one sided – my side. He shut me out. He shut me down. I do not need someone like that in my life. I do not need to feel like a piece of shit because I cannot make him happy even though I have done so much in the last 8 years to make him happy. I am sure he thinks I am having and affair or up to something malicious, but it isn’t that. It’s simply I am exhausted and I can no longer deal with his last minute, rash decisions, or demands.

So, this might be the end of the line. I am frightened by this. I do not want to lose him. I do not want to look back at the last 8 years of my life and think it was all for naught. But what am I to think, this morning, as I sit here wondering if he will contact me, or ignore me all day. Why do I feel like a bad child? I did nothing wrong.

I know my weaknesses. I know my issues, and I am trying to deal with them every day. But when someone who seems to have a normal brain – or they think they do – they cannot comprehend the pain we go through constantly. And if he is not willing to come to a compromise or at least admit that what he pushed on me yesterday was simply too much, I do not know what to do.

What would you do? Would you stay after investing so much goddamn time into a relationship, or would you cut bait and run? I am at an impasse and do not know what to do. It will be interesting to see how the day, the weekend plays out with him. But I don’t expect much. He is blaming me for everything – his unhappiness, his frustrations, his anger. And I am sick of it. This is not the man I fell in love with. Yet, I cannot tell him these things, as he will not listen to them, nor will he admit he has issues. But like a grocery store list, he does. As we all do.

All I want is peace, normalcy and the hope the the future will open up, very soon, and give me a clearer path.

© Sorrow & Kindness

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