I believe the word, in my opinion, “disappointment” is one of the worst you can use on another individual. My father used it as his nuclear weapon. He never yelled, screamed, or anything like that. He would just take us into his study, tell us how disappointed he was in us, and then give us the silent treatment for two weeks. This behavior scarred my young years and still affects me to this day.
So, when my partner called this morning on his bike ride (as “it is the only time he can talk while having his son with him”, which is bullshit), and told me he was disappointed in me, all my triggers went into effect. What the hell have I ever done, recently, except telling him that next week will not work for me, to disappoint him?
In our years together, this is what I have done for him:
- I changed my hair, so I wasn’t using products that would offend his senses
- I quit smoking cigerettes
- I quit drinking
- I have changed jobs multiple times to make him happy
- I have altered my behavior to be a loving, caring partner, who does not scream at him
- I do not try to control him
- I got him health insurance
- I support him in all the ways I can
So what that fuck have I done to disappoint him other than tell him next week is hell-week for me, and at the last minute he wants to come visit? Can a girl not say no, without being scolded, accused of some malicious act she is trying to cover up, or any other matter that could raise the hackles on the back of his neck? Obviously, I cannot please him. But I don’t think anyone can at this moment in time. And I am so over it. I am done. I am sick of trying to placate him when nothing I do matters. Nothing I can say, intone, emote will get through to him.
HE needs therapy. I’m already in it. I’ve been in it for years. And I understand how beneficial it can be. But as a “man” I do not think he is willing to accept the fact that this could help him tremendously, and I am not going to push the subject. I am already on a tight rope, ready to topple off.
I cut myself three times this morning, just to feel something. I’ve only had protein shakes for the last week. I care nothing about food, even though I pretend. When my head is this mixed up, all I can think about is ending the pain, and everything else melts away – hunger, sleep, self-care. All that works is cutting. Because that is all I feel.
Maybe I am getting closer to the edge of ending it all. At this point it feels like the only escape. I am so tired of people. Their issues. The shit they put on me that has nothing to do with me. Maybe I should just go to the beach at night, take a shitload of drugs and walk into the water. Maybe that will work. Maybe the pain will stop.
I no longer know what to do. All I have been striving for – the positivity, the meditation, the visualization that life will get better has fallen into a well today and I have no bucket to retrieve it. I am tired. I am sick of living my life with a constant flux of emotions from moment to moment. I am tired of the blame coming at me, like a heat seaking missle whose target is on my brain.
I am at a loss. I am empty.
© Sorrow & Kindness