We all have them. It could be binging on Netflix, being obsessed with our careers, overly-attached to our cell phones, being in relationships that are not healthy, overeating, or finding your way down a path of substance abuse that will eventually either make you feel like shit about yourself, or kill you. Our modern world demands more and more from us, and in some ways, we are all looking for an escape. God knows I try to escape from reality as much as possible, simply because it becomes too overwhelming for me.
I think I am through the iPad withdrawal. So that is one addiction gone. I am no longer obsessed with the career I chose, but that is because I am bored to death most of the time and don’t understand my value here. But I have others, some that I have beaten, some that still knock at my door at the worst times of the night, tempting me to the dark side. I do not want to go there, but sometimes I do not want to be in reality, so I cave.
This has been a very emotional week, both at work and home. I am finding I have little to give in my current position, as everyone else seems to want to do the job that is mine. My partner is being distant – which is because we’re both going through withdrawal from being with one another, and nerves are getting frayed. Tensions are mounting. I have friends who are returning after they got a summer break (which I did not) and are in demand of my time, something I have very little energy for after the hours of work we have put in over the summer. I am not trying to ignore them, or be a “bad friend”, but they sap my energy. Only my best friend understands this. As much as I would like to reconnect with these people, right now I have to draw a boundary.
Because if I don’t, I will fail. I will fall back into the pit I was in last fall and isolate myself even more so than I do now. Not many people understand mental illness and the tax it takes on a body. Fewer understand that the combination of being bipolar and extremely introverted means that I have very left to give at the end of the day. My partner has difficulty understanding this. He is an extrovert. And as much as I love him and am so happy to see him, feel his arms about me at the end of a long day, he still does not understand the need for silence and for recharging my batteries, not running hither and yon to explore areas or do things.
I am just counting down till the weekend. I am trying to make it, but this week is a tough one. Very tough. Yesterday I worked 10.5 hours and though no one will care, I am still exhausted from it. I didn’t even have the energy to go to the grocery store after, so I ate a handful of almonds and an oatmeal/craisin cookie for my dinner. And then I went to bed.
Happily, I received a new charger for my laptop and within moments, it had a full battery. It allowed me to watch Dennis Leary’s No Cure for Cancer stand-up special, which is over 20-years old and very non-politically correct, but I love it anyway. After the day I had yesterday, I figured zoning out to one Netflix show was not a binge. It was a relief. I laid there and mostly listened, as my eyes get exhausted after starting at monitors for 8+ hours a day. But it made me happy. It reminded me of my past, in the desert city when I had first learned about him. He was just starting out and I fell in love with his brashness. And his love of smoking cigarettes.
So I just zoned out. No reading. Thankfully no panic attacks. Just listening. And when I fell into a doze halfway through it (not because it’s boring, but because the damn day took so much out of me), the silence in the house when I awoke was blissful.
I just read a post by another blogger going through a major depressive episode. I feel for them, so much. They are on meds that are not doing a thing for them. They still feel stuck, motionless in the pit of doom. I wish I could embrace them. But I cannot tell them all the things everyone tells me when I get to this point – because their words do not matter. All I can see is the darkness, the abyss. And the desire to fall into it is so tempting. I do not want to give up. I do not want this blogger to give up. However, we all have decisions to make and if this life is too taxing, then one should be allowed to do what one needs. I am not condoning suicide. I just know it is always an option. And some days it is more tempting than any addiction could possibly be.
I am working on getting better. I am trying to find a balance. But it is damn hard. I relish the time alone to focus on me and how I can move forward from where I feel so stuck right now, but it gets so frustrating when nothing seems to be moving in a positive direction. And it is so easy for those of us with mental issues to fall into chaos, find ourselves sliding down as the avalanche covers us as it hurls down the mountain. This has not been a good week. I can only hope that the next one will have a light to show me a way out of the darkness encroaching and back into the sunshine.
© Sorrow & Kindness