Yup, it’s Wednesday. Halfway through this week of hell. I still feel ignored by everyone who works here. One of my “friends” appeared this morning, and after she put her food in the fridge, I heard her say “good morning”, which I thought was for me. Idiotically, she was talking to the person in the next office, and I was talking to a closed door. I feel so alone and adrift. But I got out of bed, meditated and worked out – these are the only things I can fathom that may help me through this day. And it will be a long one. I have late meetings and all I want to do is run screaming from this building as if it were on fire.

I had the worst panic attack last night. It took me completely off-guard. I usually have these when I drive, which is a horror in and of itself. But as I was sitting on my couch, I felt my heart start to race and then thud, thud, thud against my chest, as if it were going to burst out like the creature in Alien. I have no idea what brought it on. I was terrified. There I was, all alone, wondering if this was the end. Would I die? Would they find me days or weeks later, a decomposing body on the floor of my apartment? I tried to breathe, but even that was a chore. Since I don’t have a god to pray to (being an Atheist and all), I tried focusing on Buddha, my late husband, my favorite dog growing up. Something from the great beyond that might be watching over me and be able to calm the raging waters inside my being.

It didn’t help that my partner had a complete break-down last night and decided he was done dealing with anyone in the world. His son has pushed his too far that day, and once he was back at his mother’s, the full force of frustration came out at me. I did not ask for it. I did not want it, nor did I need to hear it. Perhaps that’s when my anxiety started to balloon. But it took a few hours for the panic to set in. Not because I was afraid we were over. Not because I was upset that he didn’t want to talk. It just made me feel more isolated, and seeing his emotions so out of control really was too much to bear.

He finally did call me back. He was calmer, though still upset. I no longer cared. I was just trying to sound normal and breathe. I let him vent, but I barely remember what he said. During a panic attack, the world closes in on you and everything becomes a tunnel – both for vision and hearing. I was grateful he felt better, but at the same time it pissed me off that a man his age cannot have better control over his emotions. I am the crazy one in this relationship. I get to wear that crown. And as hard as I am trying to be more positive and open to what may come to fruition, I do not need negativity in my life right now. I wish to hell he would get this shit out of his system and learn to accept frustrations and anger, without taking them out on anyone else. To find some sort of creative outlet for them…

And so another day begins. I have too much to do, and not enough to do – always the same paradox. What I need to do is go to the store and get food and medication, pick up my Amazon order arriving today, and get the garbage out for pick up tomorrow. What I do not need is to sit in this solitary office for 10 hours and wonder where the hell my life went wrong.

Yes, I am down today. I do not feel entirely depressed. I am more frustrated. Frustrated that this job is not what was promised, frustrated I always have to report to a micro-manager, and frustrated that all my attempts of making things better – whether that be in staying here, or leaving – do not seem to be working. I am bitter. I am angry. And yet, I will eat these emotions while here. I will not let it show. Because I do not wish to be taken to task like a child being hit on the knuckles by a nun.

So, what to do? It always seems to be the question lingering in my mind. Obviously, I am not happy. But I don’t want to fall into the pit. I want to keep myself on the edge of it, where I don’t feel that momentum is pushing me over it yet. Damn, it is a battle some days.

Who knows what today will hold? I just hope it will be better than my negative mindset is in right now. I hope I can bounce. But that is always difficult for me. It takes me some time. I think I am still getting over my fears from last night, and realizing how very alone I am here. I am also lamenting the fact that the wheel keeps spinning but it doesn’t go anywhere, and this, my friends, gets exhausting. Especially when you are trying your damnedest to stay positive, believe that the future will be better, brighter.

© Sorrow & Kindness


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