Life Is…

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing – Helen Keller

For life to have meaning for me, to me, it has to be a daring adventure. It is what I have sought since childhood, and if you give me the opportunity to travel, explore, see new things that touch my soul, then I know I am on the right path. Lately, it hasn’t felt as adventurous as I would want it to be, nor hoped it would.

But I am trying to stay on this new path, where I can open my heart once more and let the universe place before me what is intended, or what I work my ass off visualizing. And I know it is no longer this industry. After two rejections already this week, I am losing all hope in finding a place where I can truly expand my wings and fly. Where my creativity and passions will be applauded and not shit upon as being too much. Too outside the “traditional” realm of how these places work.

My best friend is at an important training session all week, and her comments about the other attendees is allowing me to walk out from beneath the cloud that has hung over my head for three days. I am laughing at her beautiful descriptions and know exactly what she must be experiencing. But she’s out of the viper pit for a week and that is good. Though I think, from the messages we’ve exchanged, that we’ve both come to see that this profession is no longer one we have passion for, nor is it even enjoyable, most of the time. It is slugging it out day after day, and for what? A paycheck and health insurance, which sadly, I need.

I read about a book this morning involving a couple who just give it all up to travel the world. I would love to be able to do that. I could. I could cash in my retirement and see how far the money takes me on my walkabout. But it would be a solo excursion, as I do not see my partner being able to make the decision to uproot his life and come with me. A conundrum…

Because I wonder if I did do this, would we last? Probably not. And there are days when I am questioning our longevity anyway. I do not want to lose him but the distance apart is terrible for both of us. I am always tired and alone. He is always working, or with his son, or (as just happened) he gets a call from his best friend and I get the “I’ll call you back in one minute”. It’s been over ten minutes, thus far. So now I am left feeling less than zero on his list of importance today. Sadly, this is not the first time, nor will it be the last.

I feel my defenses rising, like the hair on the back of my neck, when he interrupts as I tell him my ideas, how I am going about my day, or how I am living my life. Hell, I got my Amazon packages yesterday and he’s already told me to return one of them, even though he knows nothing about it. He is trying to “father” me from afar, and that will get him no where with me. Remember, I am a cat. I will come out fighting if someone is trying to control me. My father did it to me for 18 years. I no longer have to, nor will, live a life under those conditions.

This morning’s conversation, prior to it being cut off suddenly by the best friend call, was about him trying to dissuade me from returning to my hairdresser, as I need more cut off this mop on top of my head. It’s just not working for me right now, with the rain and the humidity, and I am one of “those girls” who feels that if her hair isn’t right, the day isn’t right. I think I am adult enough to make this determination on my own. He immediately interrupted me and  began with “you are so beautiful that…” and then the best friend called. I was dismissed.

How dare he try and tell me how I should be living, spending my money (I did have issues with that in the past, after my husband’s death, but bankruptcy and scrimping for change beneath the couch cushions taught me to reign in my shopping therapy), or what I do with my day, either when I am at work or at home, or somewhere in between. I admit, there are times when I give him constructive criticism (or at least I hope it is constructive) and it usually revolves around his son. But for the most part, I know he is an adult, and what he does with his life when we are not together is not something I can control, nor would I wish to. I want him to be happy, free from restrictions, and enjoy his life to the fullest.

I want that for myself as well. For my best friend. For anyone reading this. Because we have two choices – to make life a daring adventure or to wake up one day and realize we have nothing. I won’t settle for “nothing” anymore. I have waited too long for these dreams of mine to come true. And if it means going it alone, I will do that. As I said, I don’t want to lose him, but he’s on think ice right now with me, and I refuse to take a backseat to his life anymore.

It is time for my daring adventure.

© Sorrow & Kindness

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