I did not want to get up this morning. I awoke before my alarm, and if it weren’t for the cigarettes I hide, I don’t know what would have pulled me out of bed. I didn’t want to come to work. I am still reeling from the news of yesterday – the lid slamming shut on a job I really wanted. And my supervisor returns today. Neither are things that make me happy, nor ready to hop out of bed excited to face the day ahead.
But I still went about the morning as I have for the past 3 weeks. I meditated (harder this morning to keep out the negative thoughts, so I tried to at least focus on my breathing). I worked out. I dressed professionally and left the sanctuary of my house to venture out into the world, one which scares the shit out of me today.
My mind is spinning.
I know I shouldn’t let these speed bumps knock me off kilter, but they always do. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants to hold their breath for over a month just waiting to hear if they nailed the jump and moved on to the next level. I know I should be used to this. I am a pro at applying for jobs, the whole interview thing, how the game is played. At times you think you have the perfect poker hand, only to find out, as you spread your cards across the table, that another opponent has played you instead. All you can do is watch as they scoop the money away…
But life is about rejection – whether it is a job, a relationship, hell even an order from Amazon that I have been waiting impatiently to get has been delayed. Which leads to frustration, which leads to anger, which leads to a mind caught on the Tilt-A-Whirl , spinning around and around, wondering how to make everything better.
It’s one hell of a heavy weight to carry. I have to learn all these burdens are not my own. Or find some way to let them go, let them slide off my back as the water in the shower does and allow me to feel cleansed again.
And then there is the supervisor’s return. The last time I saw her, she left me with the dismissive remark about how many hours she works compared to me. We’ve been through this, so I won’t rehash it. Today we have a meeting, which means I will be stuck here for the same number of hours as she, but I cannot leave for lunch, or any type of break, as I am scheduled for a four hour conference that goes right through lunch. And then when that’s done I get the hour (which always turns into an hour and a half, at least) with her.
I am tired. I need a vacation. I need the strong arms of my partner to hold me and let me know everything is going to be okay, but that is not possible right now. He is occupied with his business, his son, his life up north. All I can try to do is stay sane and let this work its way through my system. I just hope that it doesn’t send me down in the pit. Because yesterday after work that’s all I could see – the darkness. Thus far today, the light has not returned.
Perhaps I need to simply accept the fact that this is where I am right now, and there is nothing I can do about it. I cannot get a job closer to those I love. I am constantly confused by what is expected of me here. I feel so alone, so isolated. At least I get a few moments of calm a day as I watch the feral cat that “adopted” my partner last time he was here, eat. He is usually waiting for me when I get home (I think he’s figured out my schedule) and I spend the first 10 minutes after arriving back at my house watching him through the window, to make sure no other feral cats scare him away, but also to calm me. I can’t touch him – he’s too scared and has far too many fleas. And I am not a cat person simply because I grew up with some amazing dogs.
But as that therapist said years ago, I am more like a cat than a dog. I am like the feral one I feed. I am afraid, I have claws, and I will use them if needed when backed into a corner or feel threatened. God, I hope I can keep my mouth shut at work today.
I just hope the hours will move by at a rapid pace and I can leave. Today is Hump Day. Then I will only have two more days here this week. I hope I can survive. But mostly I hope that I can find the will and strength within myself to bounce, accept and move on. Then perhaps, the sunlight will return.
© Sorrow & Kindness