Deflated

Yes, I’ve been on this track of positiveness, motivation, visualization and believing in the Laws of Attraction. And yet, things still knock us for loops. It’s August, a time when I knew I would be hearing from places I had applied or done first interviews with, and waiting to hear if I made the cut.

I got an email right before lunch, and am trying to realign myself out of my negativity that it thrust me into and back into a place where I feel better about me. I cannot control the others who applied, who “they” felt were more qualified for in-person interviews. This is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that I receive one of these missives. But it is always deflating, especially when you hope, hope, that they would invite you, because you know that it would improve the quality of your life, get you closer to home and working with others you have in the past, who inspire you.

I left work after getting that email. I needed time to breathe. To think. I ran a few errands, as this is the only day this week I will be able to take a lunch break and wanted to make sure I didn’t miss it. Now, I am back at work, and I can’t say it helped getting out of here that much. I’m still so disappointed, frustrated. In my gut, I knew it was a long shot, but still…getting the news is never easy.

And I would have thrived there. I would have been doing some incredibly innovative things, rather than being stuck where I am, where I do not always understand my place in this company. Some days I feel it’s a made-up job, and I just come in and “look” busy, but am really just blogging or reading the news or gossip sites.

Of course, the first thing my partner did when I told him (after his commiseration with my disappointment) was to give me a laundry list of other places to apply, but I am so exhausted from it. I am so tired of trying to sound like I am fabulous, wonderful, and all the other crap employers want to see. I am tired of doing all these things for him when I am getting little reciprocation for it, other than the constant reminder of HIS need for us to be closer. Yes, I agree. This is not perfect. But right now, it’s all I have. I can’t jump much higher than he has been asking me to for the last year.

So here I sit. Trying not to allow the shadow of darkness to encroach on me. Fighting madly to stop my head from spinning and simply take a deep breath and accept what life has put before me. Perhaps it will turn out to be a blessing in the end. But at this moment, I feel like the child in the dunce cap standing in the corner of the classroom.

I don’t want to get down on myself. I don’t want to fall into a depression, but I hear it knocking. And this is maddening to me. How can one simple thing turn the day on it’s head? How can it send my mood so adrift in an open sea, that I no longer feel I have the energy or the drive that I did this morning at 5 AM when I was working out? All the plans I have held to improve my life feel as if the earth is trembling beneath the ground on which I have placed them, carefully. I am so afraid that all my work, all the dedication I have put into being more positive over the past 3 weeks, will fall into the deep pit of darkness.

And then the question becomes, will I ever find it again? And if yes, then when?

© Sorrow & Kindness

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