Is every weekend supposed to be this shitty? Am I supposed to get into a screaming match with my partner over the phone because I am not “applying for jobs he has found for me” (which as someone who has been in this industry for too many years, knows I am not qualified for….). My last two interviews, which I did for him and all the other goddamn people in my life failed. The first, a phone interview, I was sure I has scored an in-person interview with…and then crickets. Not even a “thank you, but no” email/letter, etc. And he just told me it’s still open. Maybe they’ll still call, he says. I don’t want to be the second, third or last choice. I’ve been that too many times and it does nothing for me except undermine who I am.
The second I busted my ass for a job I wasn’t even sure I wanted but got invited to interview in person, and would have placated everyone in my life – but it’s been two weeks. Nothing. Not even from my friend who wanted me to apply, gave me info on how to ace the interview and told me all day long how great I was doing. Once again, failure.
I am exhausted by all of this. Every week or weekend, the days I covet to get my energy back for dealing with co-workers and others 5 days a week has been interrupted by anger, frustration, accusations of what I should be doing for everyone else, but not my own goddamn self. And I am so sick of it. I am sick of EVERYONE. I know I don’t have my shit together, but I also understand I never will. I’ll put up a great facade, and won’t let the cracks show, but what gives ever other goddamn person in this world the right to tell me what they think I should be doing to make them happy?
Fuck them all. I got yelled at yesterday because I almost “screwed up” his mojo for getting a domain, because he gave me too much intel about what he was trying to get. It was ridiculous. I was simply trying to be supportive. And then, this morning, out of the blue, I start hearing lists of places he would “love” me to work for. Hello, reality…you have a son and cannot move across the country without him. We can barely hold it together being 2,000 miles apart but still in the same time zone. Why has all this become MY fucking responsibility? WHY?
I just want to live a life of creativity and expansion. Where I can learn and grown and become a better person. Not surrounded by negativity or rules or “how I should be”. I don’t want to be in a prison of what others expect me to be. I’ve lived too many years of my life trying to make others happy. And I only find myself miserable and doing damaging things to myself to make up for the pain I feel inside – the pain they inflict on me. Because I do not have Wonder Woman’s shield or arm bands and cannot deflect their expectations.
I just want to scream. At the fucking TOP OF MY LUNGS. I am so exhausted. I want two days of nothing – my weekends – where I run my errands before anyone else is awake and I am done with having to face the world by 10 AM. And then I can hide away. But it never stops. One of my sisters texted us last night with correspondence she had with a doctor my mother and father will see with her on Monday, and the doctor is very concerned about my Mom. She should be. The man she’s with is an ass. And doesn’t care. He blocks it all out. I understand this. I try and do this. But I don’t have adoring fans every week to hear my sermons, so I just have to write my words. And god knows if anyone reads them. But it gets them out of my system. Like bleeding a virus out of me in the Middle Ages. Or the cutting I’ve become fond of…
The cracks are starting to show. I can only control myself, so I do not understand what the fuck is going on in anyone else’s mind. I don’t want to. It would be too much information. I would be overwhelmed, unless I could shut them up. When it comes to me.
And so I have fallen on black days again. I don’t care anymore. I don’t give a shit about anything. I am so close…to either ending it all or cashing in my retirement and disappearing. Would I be missed? I don’t even care. All I care about is having them all just disappear…to free me from the static in my head and the anger in my soul that they bring to the surface so easily these days.
I feel so misunderstood. I don’t know if I will ever feel understood. But if I was somewhere else, where another language was the norm and I could just get by with a smile and a wave, I could be happy. Maybe I should do it. Maybe I should plan. Because the other option is death. And I am not sure I am ready for that yet, at least not before I’ve tried the running part.
© Sorrow & Kindness