I have been busting my ass. I am in a grove and crossing my T’s and dotting all my I’s. I am being productive. I am making headway at work. And it feels good…most of the time.
And then the shitty, shitty people appear. Whether in person or email, when the message is delivered it totally derails the day. I have been working overtime all week on a project, in addition to getting other projects ready for various meetings, etc. I thought I was on top of everything. And shouldn’t I be? When I am this focused, very little gets me off my game.
Except for the micro-managers. And god knows, I have a horrid one. I take a step or two forward and she throws me back 10 paces. Yesterday, I was blissfully working on cleaning things up before I left for the day (and I was tired, after working two 10-hour days in a row), when up popped two emails from her, taking down all of the work I had produced in the last month. One email was a single sentence. The second one was a tome, where questions about my abilities came flying at me like daggers.
I hate her. My parents always told me never to use that word, as it is so strong, but the bile and venom that washes over me every time I receive a missive from her makes my skin crawl. I literally wanted to go home and take a shower after I received the ones yesterday. It isn’t as if we’ve been out of communication for the last month. She tasked me with these things, because she has proclaimed (and proudly, oddly enough) that she is not a “creative” person. No, she isn’t. She’s a crazy-maker.
And then the meeting happened this morning. All the work I had done, she had re-done. All the test emails we would be sending, she had rewritten. And it was decided by someone with more authority than me (even though this is MY group to run), that she would be the one signing all the correspondence we sent out. Because her title is higher than mine. All because of that.
She has no social skills. At least none that I can see. No emotional intelligence. We’ve both been in this business for about the same amount of time, and my rational mind knows that we are two very different types of people within the profession – we come at it from different viewpoints. I can accept that. What I cannot accept is the day-after-day beat downs I get from her, as if I am still not doing the work I was hired to do. And I am doing it – and more.
I feel like an afterthought here. I thought I was finding a place, but as I said it’s always 10 paces back, and I don’t even know who I can trust or vent my feelings to in this place. My partner does not understand this realm. My best friend does, and she’s the only one who can commiserate with me over this. But she’s 2,000 miles away, and that doesn’t help when I’m staring at my computer screen, wishing I was anywhere but here, where I feel underappreciated, a loser, and perhaps most importantly know how someone like this can mess with my head. I might be doing okay in this moment, but another email from her and I could fall back into the shadow land, the darkness that enfolds me when I feel my path is off, or I am not appreciated for what I am contributing.
And so I hate her. My partner tells me this is something I have to work through – there is always someone at every institution that is like this. I have to accept it. Why? What the fuck did I ever do to be treated like an afterthought, or a bad child that needs to be schooled? I’m exhausted by this and tired of not having anyone to discuss this with, other than my therapist who I can only see once a month because she doesn’t take my insurance.
I don’t want to fall back into the abyss. But I don’t think it is that far away…
© Sorrow & Kindness