It All Sucks

Life that is. Nothing is working anymore. My boss wants me to take time off. My supervisor hates me. The pressure that is clamping down on my chest is to the point where I can barely breathe. I had a panic attack while driving the other day – the first one in a year and a sure sign that everything in my life is amiss.

I wish I could start over. I wish I could leave and just go home and be surrounded by those that care about me and don’t judge me. But I can’t right now. I mean, I could. I almost wrote my resignation letter this morning, after the email I received from the Dean. I almost just walked out, never to return. And a part of me wants to do that so badly because whatever this life has become is not what I imagined, nor is it healthy for me. At all.

I think of self-harm all the time. I think about going to the hospital and begging them to zap my brain to make it all stop. Perhaps what “normal” people don’t understand is that every day is a challenge, every day is a struggle and I cannot do it for much longer. Not alone. Not with the shitty health care I am getting. But I “think” I need this job. I need to health benefits, I need the money. At this point though I would be happy just bagging groceries at a supermarket, so I don’t have to deal with the horseshit that goes on here, day after day. And the guilt, the horrendous guilt, that weighs on my shoulders because I am failing. At least in my mind I am failing. And all I can hear are my father’s words: “You can do it, you’re one of us”.

And yet, he ignores my mother who is deteriorating from Alzheimer’s. I have a stronger propensity for contracting this disease because I am bipolar. And it now runs in our family. So besides the daily struggle of trying to stay sane, act perfect, I am faced with a future where I could lose it all – my brain, my memories, my ability to function.

Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe it would end the daily insanity of the constant, racing thoughts. The constant hatred I feel about myself because I just cannot do this anymore. Not today. Perhaps not even tomorrow. Perhaps I simply can no longer do this.

And do I want to? Do I want to work in this profession? Do I want to sit and be bored day after day while my supervisor gets all the credit for what I was hired to do? The venom that seethes out of her when she looks at me is palpable, and I feel stuck and isolated in this office that they hid me in – where I am away from all that is happening in the building and have no idea what to do anymore.

I need something to change. I need help. But there is no one here. There is no one that could possibly understand how frustrated or angry I am that what I was hired to do is not happening, and I will take part of the blame for that – I have a handicap and after years of trying to rise above it, ignore it, fight back against it, I am too tired to do it anymore.

I am such a failure.

© Sorrow & Kindness

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