The Abyss

No one ever said this disease would be this difficult. I find myself awake at 2 AM – WIDE awake and my mind running with nerves and anxiety over getting through the day. And I couldn’t do it. So I called in sick. Dropped all my responsibilities for the day and just said “fuck it”. I simply can’t today. Of course this will not lessen the paranoia that is always present and I will slink into work tomorrow feeling as if everyone is whispering about me, that I am the problem child.

My bipolar has certainly gotten worse with age, lack of a support system near me, medical personnel who are not the best quality, a job where I am bored all the time but so much is expected of me, and parents whose health declines on a daily basis. I am stressed. I am exhausted all the time. I am a fraud and I am just waiting for them to see through me – to see through this, and get rid of me. Maybe that would be for the best. Maybe I could return back to where I have people who love me and want to care for me. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Because not being able to do my job is making me feel so useless and yet knowing I cannot face another day of nothingness is worse.

I feel like such a failure. And for a person who grew up with the expectation that we would all be perfect, this is a difficult pill to swallow. I feel so crazy this morning. So lost. I just want to hide all day and not have to deal with anyone. Sound familiar?

So I will go out while it is still dark and run errands under the cover of the night and come home and hole up in my apartment, hoping that some magical spell will be waved over me today to make being able to live through tomorrow and the next day and the next bearable. I just don’t know if I believe that is possible anymore.

© Sorrow & Kindness

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One thought on “The Abyss

  1. I saw a quote pass on pinterest a couple of days ago that said sth along the lines that you shouldn’t consider it a failure if you take a break from your project/plan/life, but simply see it as taking a day off from it. Of course the original quote was much better (looked for it but couldn’t possibly find it), but I find it very welcoming especially in a general mood of “just get it done” and “you can do it, just try harder”. Yes, you might get to the place you want to be some day and certainly every effort and day takes you closer, but you have stay kind to yourself and allow yourself to take a break. It is ok not to be always ok and to be afraid, sad and lost sometimes. Take a deep breath, do sth that feels right for you at that moment and just try again the next day. Or the one after that.

    Like

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