‘Cause That’s Just What You Are

So don’t sit there and think you’re off of the hook
By saying there is no use changing
‘Cause that’s just what you are
That’s just what you are
Acting steady always ready to defend your fears
What’s the matter with the truth did I offend your ears
By suggesting that a change might be a thing to try
Like it would kill you just to try and be a nicer guy
It’s not like you would lose some critical piece
If somehow you moved point A to point B
Maintaining there is no point Changing
‘Cause that’s…just what you are
So take it just so far…’cause that’s what you are
Am I just looking for someone to dance with? Has that been the last 8 years? The last 13 since I lost him? Just trying a taste, but never truly adhering to? Never believing again that anything will last. Who can blame me? Who CAN? Fuck anyone who tries to judge me on my grief process.
Because it’s fucking hard and it never gets easier. Especially if you are alone, as I was, am. Perhaps if I had children, pets, something we had shared responsibility for, it would have helped me get out of me. But I couldn’t. I was too consumed with loss and not knowing who I was anymore. He was my mirror. He told me, like in fairy tales, how incredible I was everyday. And I would no longer have that. I lost that when I lost him. And I grieve over this ever day.
The man I am with now, though a good man, does not have the same emotional caresses that my husband had. He finds humor to be his card. Rarely do I get a love poem or letter. And I covet these – as I was so spoiled with them when my husband was alive.
I am so sad. I so wish he was still here. I wish he could guide me, because I feel so lost. I have been on a journey with no map for 13 years – a journey I never expected to have had to take – one I never planned on and I am terrified. It has been the most difficult time I have ever existed. This should not be my life. This is not what I imagined as a child, dreaming of leaving that grey city.

© Sorrow & Kindness


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