Fighting Back

I am trying. It is Wednesday – hump day of the work week. We are all exhausted. I have been awake since 2:45 AM. I woke up, due to my upstairs neighbor jumping out of bed – sounding like Godzilla landing – to go pee. I lay there for about 10 minutes and then got up. I couldn’t just stare at the ceiling anymore, nor try and ignore any conversation happening above my head.

I went out to my porch to smoke a cigarette – something I gave up years ago, but in these times of gross anxiety it has returned and some mornings are the only reason I get out of bed. It was dark. Not a soul stirred. It was me and the night and the glow at the end of the cigarette. I thought a lot about my life. How unhappy I am and if I can turn this around. I hope I can. I do not know if it is possible.

I stayed up until 4. I wanted to work out but I am so goddamn sore from the last two days that I decided trying to sleep for another hour was better than torturing my muscles. I am hoping by the end of the day when my body is warmed up, I can continue to exercise. It just wasn’t going to happen this morning.

And now I am here, at work, wondering how I am going to get through the next 4 hours before I get to leave for a haircut. I’ve decided to try meditation, for things that are hindering my progress as well as ways to attract positive events into my life. I listened to one when I first came in – and I almost fell asleep. Better to wait to do these at home, I suppose.

But I want to get better. I want to get out of this mire that I’ve been stuck in for months, years…I want my life to have meaning again, I just don’t know how to make that happen.

So I am scrambling for help. I am climbing up a rocky mountain, breaking every nail on my fingertips just to get to the top and leave all the demons below me. I want this. I want to feel better about who I am. I want to feel as though I have value and am not just a robot going through the motions day after day.

But it’s so hard. Sometimes I think that those of us with mental illnesses are more in tune with what is happening around us. We pick up on the vibrations, even before someone opens their mouth to speak. We KNOW. We know our own crazy heads, but we can feel what is happening to others – and jesus christ it is exhausting.

I think even if my mental state was stable, I would still feel the way I do now. I am not happy working for “the man” or the corporation or whatever industry I have found myself in. I am BORED on a daily basis, and I don’t know how to change it. There is nothing for me to do here, that I haven’t already accomplished and at every turn I feel cock-blocked by my supervisor. I don’t even understand why this position exists. It could be divided between multiple people and they would save money with one less position.

I suppose you could say I am horribly disappointed by what I was promised, and what the reality has manifested into.

And this is why I want to leave this industry. Nothing interests me anymore. I have no passion. I have been beaten down too many times, or curtailed in what I try to accomplish. I know how damn good I am at all this shit. I could run this place. But instead, I sit here, with a supervisor who has the same, if less, experience than I do, making more money than me and I am completely filled with ennui everyday.

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