What to do? My world is falling apart. The roller coaster is flying down the descent into hell, and I am in the first car, watching as it happens.
I told my partner I was suicidal.
He told me I was spinning and making things up in my head.
I told him that battling this volcano of bipolar in my head for the past 25 years is too much to take.
He told me to find a better shrink and to figure our the right drugs to take.
HE DOESN’T GET IT.
I am exhausted. I am having the hardest time trying to rally today, when all I want to do is stay in bed and not face the world. He doesn’t understand the crippling nature of this depression, nor the guilt we carry around within ourselves because we feel we cannot live up to other peoples’ standards. He is itching to get out into the world and I just want to hide.
We have been fighting since 4:30 AM when I got up and didn’t get dressed in time to use the bathroom (it was freezing in the house) and he had to go too, and took my head off for taking so long. So my mood began its decline, and things have only gotten worse since then. We did errands barely speaking. We came home and he flipped out (why is he allowed to show anger and frustration, yet if I do, I am damned for it?) throwing shit on the counter and freaking out about spilling coffee grounds – yes, he does not let anyone know what is bubbling underneath the surface, but he’ll let it blow without regard to how it makes others’ feel.
And then he used the greatest line in the world : he told me I was making up my own reality. So I thanked him for being my sister, and now I cannot think. I cannot do a thing, but write to try and get some of these demons out of my head. To be in the one place where I am allowed to vent, and be frustrated and scream at the world. Because we ALL create our own realities. Just because I have a mental disease does not mean my reality isn’t as skewed as a normal person’s version.
My heart is breaking though, because if this is his behavior toward me after a month together, than I do not know if we will make it. I do not know if we are healthy for one another or not. I do not believe I am good for him – not in this moment. And if he cannot understand the disease I am living with, if he continually calls me a victim, then he is not helping me.
So, what to do?
My easiest path is to stop speaking to him completely about how I feel – unless it in some fashion helps him and what is happening in his life. I have shut down. I feel like a robot going through the motions and I just want it all to end. The constant war in my brain, the people who do not get it and the amount of energy it takes to get through a day. In a week I will be alone, and I do not know if that will be better or worse for me. I am terrified of each day when the shadows come back and I no longer feel like I have an ally in him. Or an ally with almost anyone in my life. But of course “I am playing the victim, again.”
I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Any of it. Life.
© Sorrow & Kindness