I took this job because it was where I wanted to be and was the ideal position for what I am attempting to do in this field. But like most dreams, when you wake up and reality sets in, it isn’t always what you had desired or what you expected. Was I wearing beer-goggles when I took this job? Although I have years of experience, I started in “entry level” position, as that was how it was ranked within this hierarchy. I thought that meant salary (which was fine with me because I would certainly be making more than I had in the past). I began full of energy and excitement. I did everything I could to come up with new avenues to pursue and ways to make this environment better for all. I wrote lists of ideas, I sent them to whom I assumed was the person I would report to, and then was told to wait until my “new” supervisor arrived.
I have been waiting for months. My supervisor is here. She and I have the same amount of experience in this industry. I have dutifully gone to her with all my ideas, my thoughts, and ways we can make our institution a better place. But she has been consumed with organizing a department that has nothing to do with my job, and the ideas I have brought to her are either put on the “maybe we’ll do that later” or a week or two after our conversations, I find my ideas have suddenly become hers and the accolades pour in. For her, not for me.
Some days I wonder if I should work in the public eye at all. If this was supposed to be my “dream job” and I have found myself falling down the rabbit hole of depression for the last 3 months, maybe it is me and not everyone else. Maybe I will simply always the proverbial fish out of water wherever I go. I thought this place would build my confidence back up after being belittled and abused at my former place of work. But after a week off for the holidays, I am back and being micro-managed all over again. I accomplished the crumbs of work I was given by the aforementioned supervisor before the break, and now she is nit-picking at what I did.
Nothing works. Nothing gets better. I want to cry. I am trying to get my courage up to speak with the director today – to let her know how I feel and that if something doesn’t happen, maybe this isn’t the place for me. Maybe there is no place for me. I am scared and despondent and unsure of what to do.
I am stuck me in a back office (I enjoy the solitude of having my own office, but the location, across from the staff lounge and away from the public eye does little to help my cause). I spend my days staring at a clock and wondering how this place I thought would be my nirvana is turning into another cesspool of disappointment. I don’t know if it is me – my crazy mind and the way I see reality, as opposed to how others do. Perhaps the director will listen to me, but do nothing. Perhaps she will scold me and tell me to deal with it, as I am the one who accepted the offer. I do not know anymore who I can trust and who I can’t. Paranoia is setting in.
Maybe I should be locked away forever. Maybe I should just run. I don’t know what to do anymore and I am so tired of living a life that is so unsatisfying it wrecks havoc with my brain and my body. I fall, I get up again, only to fall once more. The pattern is never broken and I don’t know what to do to change it except to run away from everything. I should be stronger. I want to be stronger. But when the forces above begin tearing me apart for reasons I am unaware of, I crumble.
© Sorrow & Kindness